My mother recently forwarded me the following tongue-in-cheek missive: Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
It’s clear that the sort of man who would find these compelling reasons to choose canine over female company is not, as Dickens would say, a Model of Deportment. Nonetheless, while I can’t imagine a woman’s life being enriched by being partnered with such a man, such a man would undoubtedly benefit from a woman’s many utilitarian qualities. Here’s why:
1. Dogs don’t do laundry.
2. Dogs are hopeless in the kitchen.
3. A dog’s parents don’t visit, but his friends do. Your lawn provides sufficient evidence of this.
4. Women NEVER strew the trash all over the kitchen floor looking for that half-eaten roast beef sandwich at the bottom of the bin.
5. Women smell better than dogs.
6. Try putting the studded collar on yourself and see what she says.
7. Women like it when YOU go hunting and fishing. (The perfect excuse to go to a day spa…)
8. If a woman is such a nuisance, why is the answer to #9 above always “yes”?
9. No matter how much you may hope, a dog will never give you a son and heir.
10. once told a similar joke: Which is better, a woman or lunch? Answer: a woman, because a woman can make many lunches. And how many lunches can a dog make?
(I only include 10 reasons; it should not take 14 to convince a rational person of the superiority of woman over dog.)