Among the many chores that get added to a new mom’s already lengthy list is that of writing thank-you notes for gifts and meals from friends, neighbors, and family.
Many people are put off by writing thank-you notes, as attested to by the dearth of thank-you notes the Cap’n and I have received since buying all the baby, bnei mitzvah, and wedding gifts we have given others. I try to be modern and do not take offense at this lapse in etiquette, since I suspect the handwritten note has gone the way of the Surrey (with a fringe on top) in the era of computers. I readily accept an email or a phone call in lieu of a handwritten thank-you. One thing I hate, though, is a pre-printed thank-you note. (I received one of these after writing a heartfelt note to a man I hardly knew who had lost his father. I would rather have waited five years for two hand-scrawled lines on the back of a shopping list than received the pre-fab card that arrived.)
But not to acknowledge a gift or a gesture of kindness in any form is just bad 
manners. According to Haragamam (HaRav HaGaon Miss Manners), even a hangover is not an excuse. (In her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, she writes, “Actually, during a hangover is an excellent time for a nice, quiet activity such as writing thank-you notes, if one can stand the sound of the pen’s scratching on the paper.”) I once worked with a man who admitted to me that he and his wife still hadn’t written their wedding thank-yous, and they had just passed their third anniversary. To this I say, It’s never too late. If he and his wife were finally to write those thank-yous and mail them out, their recipients might be baffled or even amused, but I can guarantee that their belated gratitude would be accepted.
Excuses abound for not expressing gratitude in writing: “I don’t know what to say,” “I don’t even know this person,” “I returned/exchanged/gave away the gift,” “I don’t have her/his address.” The resourceful recipient can always find a solution to these problems: say “Thank you for the lovely [name of gift]”; write “Dear [name of person]”; thank the person for their gift and don’t mention what you did with it; get the person’s address from someone who knows it. It’s not that complicated!
The most important thing to remember when planning a simcha is that time must be factored in afterwards to write notes of thanks. It takes some time and effort (not to mention money) to choose a gift for someone. It takes less than five minutes to write a thank-you note. I’m not a mathematician, but by my calculations the recipient still comes out on top time-wise. If someone who cares about you (or has known your mother since the third grade) takes the time to select and buy a gift, it’s appropriate to spend a few minutes thanking them for their kindness.
I hope the thank-you note will come back into fashion soon, if for no other reason than to wipe the shocked look off people’s faces when I hand them a thank-you note and get them to stop coming over to my house and saying silly things like, “Thank you for that sweet note.” I saw a neighbor in the pharmacy yesterday who made me a delicious tuna noodle casserole last week (the first I’ve had since my mother made them for me) who said, “You really didn’t have to write me that sweet thank-you note.” I replied, in my broadest Southern drawl, “Actually, I did. My mama told me I do.”
Everyone does.
Shimshonit 
Nomi and I send thank-you notes for every shabbat meal we get invited to. Many of our friends are amused by this custom of ours, but we enjoy it. (Admittedly, we have slacked off during the move, but we just got ourselves some more thank-you note cards and plan to pick it up again.)
I must confess that my thank-you notes are more often emails than written notes but I try not to forget to say “thank you”. I also admit that it bothers me when people can’t acknowledge a nice gesture.
Michael: What can I say? The Bursteins are a class act. (You are also amazing at sending out birthday cards. The Post Office must know you guys by your first names, since not many people do that anymore.)
Ilana-Davita: Miss Manners probably doesn’t think emails are formal enough for thank-yous, but I take ’em. I am mostly interested in a) did the gift arrive at its destination, and b) did the recipient acknowledge it with a basic “thank you.” I don’t need much else, really, to be satisfied.
[…] 25, 2009 by Shimshonit In my post entitled “Thank you,” I made an annoying grammatical error. Did anyone catch it? I wrote, “[T]hank the […]
[…] begun cultivating the social graces the Cap’n and I hold so dear. (Read about ‘em here, here, and here.) When I sneeze, he says, “Ah-too, Mama.” When he asks for more of […]