I’m back after another gander at Israemploy’s offerings. Included in the job listings for February 2, 2011, are the following:
Android Developer, Android Expert needed in Kfar Saba. Wow, I’m back in the 1970s again. Does such a person get to build Artoo Deetoo? Seethreepio? I’ve seen the movies, but I wouldn’t call myself an expert. Guess I’ll have to pass.
Tel Aviv needs an Ant and Maven Expert. If they want an ant expert, I can give them Yossi’s phone number—he takes care of my ant problem. But a maven expert? Isn’t that redundant?
They need Child Minders in the North. I’ve always had difficulty with this British expression. Does it mean the child is supposed to mind (i.e. obey) me, or I’m supposed to mind the child? And isn’t that a brand of canned soup in the UK?
Someone in Jerusalem needs a Female Coach for Housework. Wouldn’t a housekeeper do just as well? Or is there a need to have a whistle around my neck and a loud voice to shout out orders? “Dishes, step lively! Grease, got off that stove right now! Bathtub ring, move out!”
Rehovot needs a Fishmonger. Whenever I used to yell as a child, my mother told me I sounded like a fishwife. I never knew what she was talking about (did I look like I was married to a fish?), but I still have a loud voice. (Fishmonger must be the politically correct term for a fishwife.) Of course, if I want to work on the production end of things, I can apply to be a General Worker for a Fish Farm up in Beit She’an. Probably less yelling involved in that.
And then there’s this one from the Center: “gestionnaire de compte motive de langue maternelle française”; in other words, if you can’t read this, this job is not for you.
Someone in Givat Shaul needs a Lady’s Companion. This sounds delightfully old-fashioned, left over from the days when wealthy women hired less wealthy women to be their friends (because sometimes you have to pay for quality). They would read, converse, do needlepoint together, keep one another company. I decided to see what this would entail in the 21st century. It says, “Seeking woman to walk with lady on Shabbos by night and motzei Shabbos.” Take walks two nights a week? That’s it? What, no novel reading? No needlepoint? This description also carries with it the standard statement that “This position is considered suitable for members of the Haredi/Ultra-orthodox community.” I’m never sure what to think when I see that. Does it mean that I won’t be forced to mix with men, non-haredi Jews, or other unsavory characters? Does it mean I’ll make enough money two nights a week to support a husband who sits in yeshiva all day, plus eight to ten children? Or does it mean I won’t be expected to know about evolution, how to use the Internet, or who the prime minister is?
Jerusalem is also looking for Matchmakers. Oy, don’t ask me. The one time I set up two friends whose only thing in common was that they were secular, it was a disaster. (I guess for a relationship to work, you have to have more in common than being willing to eat out at a seafood restaurant on Shabbat.)
Python Expert needed in Tel Aviv. Say, I didn’t know there was a reptile house there. And I invested all that money in a lion-tamer hat! Well, it turns out these must be pretty smart snakes, because the qualifications for this job are “3 years experience designing and implementing web UI; programming experience in Java Script, HTML and XML; 4-5 years experience in Python development; knowledge of relational database back-end such as MySQL or PostgreSQL; and knowledge of C/C++, SVN and Linux.” Forget me for this job.
Sales and Channel Manager Rest of the World (Israel & Latin America). Note to self: the rest of the world is Latin America. Brush up on Spanish and learn Portuguese now.
And finally, someone in Jerusalem is looking for a Yiddish Speaking Nanny for childcare and light housework. You’ve got to be kidding! If you find someone who speaks Yiddish, it’s going to be an adopt-a-bubbe, and housework will have to be limited to making chicken soup, tending a carp in a bathtub, and teaching the kid the elements of matchmaking (so she can grow up and take a job like that in number 8).
Another day, another giggle; another day, and no work.
Shimshonit 
I take it that you’re writing this in jest, but for people who may not understand: the Android and Python jobs are both high-tech/computer industry jobs. Android is like what Windows is on your computer, but on your cell phone, and the job sounds like it’s looking for someone who can write programs for those kinds of cell phones. Python is a computer language that some of those programs can be written in.
It’s good to see that there’s a healthy demand for high-tech jobs in Israel. Self-education for high-tech takes a while but it’s definitely possible so long as people have access to a computer and the Internet; essentially, it posits a sure path for people coming from low-income backgrounds to eventually get a well-paying job.
Also – the lady’s companion. It sounds like there’s a religious woman who is scared to walk alone at night and thus is willing to pay someone to accompany her (since predators almost never attack people walking in groups). Although it saddens me that such a position is even being offered in Israel, it pays to keep an open mind – perhaps this woman is a recent olah who was attacked before she made aliyah and is still suffering the psychological repercussions.
Sol: The post is tagged “humor.” That says it all.
My Yafiz job is convenient at least.